Out of necessity, I have begun an exercise and diet regimen. Let me be perfectly transparent on this subject. I cheat a lot. Not huge amounts, mind you, but if there is a fingerprint in the icing of your cupcake… it was me. I always drink my green smoothie but I put coconut and creme brulee in my coffee. I keep suckers in my purse because menopause is tough. Sometimes I quit before the mile is up on the treadmill and tell google fit I made it to the end of workout 1. If I make it to the cool down part of the yoga workout dvd… I just go ahead and catch a nap right there. I’ve dropped almost 10 lbs and have accumulated quite a wardrobe to get me through this. But today I discovered something I was not expecting. In fact, I have discovered several things that a person who only moves back and forth between the fridge and the couch might not know.
Whoever invented those slippery skin-tight running pants was a dang genius. For the first time today I wore a pair of these things. I have been putting it off because they looked like they were going to be hot and uncomfortable, and I was right. You could go surfing in these things and nothing is getting through. However, I am a huge fan of Wonder Woman. She is my alter ego. It used to be Zena the warrior princess but I read an article about her being some kind of stripper or something and decided I didn’t want to be associated with that. Now I kind of think they were from the same island of amazons, just from different sides of the track. Like Audrey Hepburn and Miley. Any hoo…. i decided to try them.
I have shorts and leggings and yoga pants to work out in but this * (compression Pants) is another world all together. Here is why.
- IF you get on the treadmill and break 3.5 mph in regular work out clothes, one of two things happen: You will either get road rash on the inner thigh or start a fire, depending on your choice of attire. Either way, your walking around like you just got off a two day horseback ride and there is no real cure except time and burn cream. But these compression pants just let your thighs glide and slide as if you were oiled up for the beach.
- I mean to tell you that I was like an olympian and there was no noise. That swooshing sound some pants make when you walk is simply not there. No swish swash sound of the thighs rubbing together only the sound of REO Speedwagon and Mandisa, because you mixed up your old music with your new music on your phone- cheering you on to finishing your 3/4 of a mile walk.
- They are trendy. Where else can you get the opportunity to where modern art disguised as a necessary, useful article of clothing, that is disguised as pants that are not pants at all but really slippery leggings. ( Leggings are not pants so it’s quite a wardrobe decision.) I chose wonder woman, but you can get an array of colors and styles . I even saw some with oreos on them which is like dangling a carrot in front of a horse, but they were cute.
- We have all wanted to join the circus at one time or another or dreamed of being a super hero or a pole dancer or a break dancer and I think this is just a little taste of childhood dreams being worn in such a way that they are socially acceptable. You can live out your dreams: “Ladies and Gentlemen…. Turn your attention to the center treadmill and watch as Wonder thighs transforms from a middle-aged menopausal mermaid with a double chin to a Skinny middleaged menopausal woman with a fake tan and chin splints.”
- They distract you from the pain. As I rolled over this morning, I wanted to DIE from the pain of a yoga work out that required me to stand like a brave warrior and then hoist my butt into the air in line with my forehead as my toes rested on the earth above my head while I focused on breathing in health and vitality and exhaling tension. But I got right out of that bed because I had these beauties to look forward too. Not missing that.
- And finally: They keep you humble. There really is no shame in wearing a pair of pants that are not really pants at all ( as I mentioned earlier) that cause you to just slide off in the floor and kind of roll around in slow motion as you attempt to sit on your yoga ball to work your abs or pump that iron. It takes a long time to become one with the ball when your slippery pants are dumping you on the ground. Its an art form so have patience. At some point, you wont care about your dignity anymore. You will simply be glad that for once you did your own thing. You didn’t quit. You didn’t give up. I can feel the transformation taking place as I am writing this…..
- Here, I will just model a few pairs for you so you can get an idea of the effects of these amazing pants.
We will talk soon but right now I am going to graze like a goat and spend some quality time resenting people who can tolerate dairy. xoxoxox