I stood at the mirror looking at my face and the new lines that had appeared over the last year, a few new strands of silvery glitter in my hair and the strange color that my eyebrows were turning and proceeded to work. A few days before Goliath had hit, an epic record breaking snow storm, I had treated myself to a few handfuls of age defying products to combat the new face in the mirror. Due to the snow storm, I had been distracted by staying warm and being stuck in the house with teenagers and a pubescent tween for days and failed to even remove those items from the bag, but today the roads were finally clear enough to head to town so I layed out the items on the counter, ready to create a new work of art on my head. Some concealer,a face primer, lip plumper, a cream or two, pencils and age-defying foundation and I was off to the ball park.
I loaded up the mini-van and headed off slipping and sliding down the road with a loud crew of 6 and a mission to make it to that 5 dollar cup of glorious java that awaited me at the coffee shop of my choice. As i rounded the corner and hit the 1/2 mile incline of dirt road, the van began to slip and slide and ping off of snow drifts which provoked a chorus of roller coaster screams coming from inside the van. I could hear my own voice as well in the screaming mess but it was not because of the road conditions. It was about then that the lip plumper kicked in. Apparently hell-fire is one of the ingrediants in that stick of torture. It was do or die, my kids or my lips. There was no stopping and taking my hands off the wheel to comfort myself or to try to stop the skin from peeling from my face. I thought I might pass out or throw up so I just screamed to keep myself from doing so. I was praying in my mind ” sweet Jesus, this must be what it means to burn forever in hell and not die. I’m sorry, Dear God, I am sorry for whatever and everything I ever did ever”. When I finally reached the bottom of the hill and passed the first cattle guard, the pain had started to decline a bit and I had enough sense not to mention this to anyone in the car. I had broken into a sweat and was not sure I could Hide it so I opened the window and turned on the radio and they thought I was just having a hot flash. I’m not sure if you know what happens when teenagers are aware of your insecurities and old age concerns but they are witty and intelligent and trained by you so the things they will say and do just to laugh at you are horrific. I did however, manage to look in the rear view mirror expecting to see a burn victim and was pleasantly surprised that I only looked like I got stung by a swarm of bees.
The things we do to combat the onset of age is nothing short of insanity. Seriously, I have bought so many products to keep the wrinkles from coming that I could treat a raisin back to its former self. It occurred to me at the bottom of the hill, is this really worth it? Why not instead just hang out with people who don’t think your ugly?
All I really need to do is eat right, exercise and drink lots of water. But instead I talk my husband into taking me to the winter park to ride an inner-tube down a mile long section of the mountain to prove I can still do it. ( I don’t know why I am attracted to inclines). As i was bouncing around off of glaciers and praying to Jesus not to let me die, all I could hear getting closer and closer was the resonating laughter of my cowboy at the bottom of the hill. I don’t know why this made me so mad. I was hoping that I had gained enough momentum to fly up and knock him down with my tube but I got distracted by my bloody nose and the chunk of snow in my eye. He was saved by the 20 extra pounds I had put on over the holiday season…. And I had proved nothing to anyone, except the guy at the top of the hill who copped a feel as I was trying to get into my tube without plummeting head first down a mountain, who said I was kinda old for this.
I am thinking my glory days are over and are being replaced with slowing metabolisms, stool softeners and greens. I don’t know why I care. Its just that I am having to rethink my 60 before I’m 60 list. Maybe I don’t need to hike the entire Grand Canyon or go to the longest water slide in the world. Perhaps I don’t need to hunt an elk with a bow and arrow or go to Florida to pick my own oranges. Maybe no on the monster truck thing. Maybe I could slow down enough not to die and keep going enough that I am able to enjoy my life without being in traction.
I am just astounded by the things I have done in the past year or so that I never, ever though I would do like mindlessly removing layers of clothes and standing in the open freezer door or putting my naked skin next to the sliding glass door when its 27 degrees outside to relieve a hot flash or forgetting what I am doing while I am doing it and walking out of the room to retrace my steps and realize I was in there to take a nap. I’m eventually going to get arrested or committed. I’m afraid I am going to get to heaven and Jesus is going to slap me on the back and say ” thanks for the entertainment, that was a hoot”.