If your ever going to do a country girl or boy experiment of your own, there are a few things you should know. I’m going to save you the trouble of experiencing some of the trauma so you can just go straight to the joy.
- Learn how to shoot a gun before you need to shoot a gun. Doing it while in the midst of running up the side of your house from a rattlesnake or tarantula is a little dangerous. There are things out here that want to laugh at you while you are running into and over your own gun, be prepared… you want to appear Bruce Willis in Die hard, Not Paul Blart Mall Cop., especially when dealing with things with fangs.
- Stock up. Toilet Paper, coffee, chocolate, wine, bullets… it’s a long way to town.
- Wear Clothes. Just because you can run naked through cactus fields or drive your tractor in your underwear with bed head or pee off the porch does not mean you should. You may not be able to see a hunter, but they can see you. They are dressed in camouflage and carrying binoculars and guns. There are scopes on their guns. The game warden makes his rounds. Neighbors show up unannounced. Your going to get caught and then whatever town you live near by will dub you the underwear or naked family.
- If you have never milked anything, don’t assume you can, especially if your not familiar with the different anatomies of male and female animals.
- If you have never had livestock, don’t assume you know anything about it. Just because you dress like a farmer or rancher now does not make you a farmer or rancher.
- If your kids are sissy lala’s or city kids, the country kids will rope them and drag them around like a sack of feed. Educate them and teach them how to fake it or they will get schooled. If you don’t know how, ask someone, for the love of Texas, humble yourself and ask.
- Fresh eggs are 100 times better than store-bought eggs. Make sure you have chickens. If you want a small flock of Chickens start off with a big flock of chickens.
- Things die out here. It’s the wilderness. Get over it. You can’t have a full-fledged mourning every time a chicken dies; everybody dressed in black and making pies and reminiscing over what a good person that chicken was. Eventually, you just have to move on and let that bird go.
- Donkeys are loud and they bite. Llama’s do not like to cuddle. Sheep are stupid. Goats eat everything. Alpaca’s cry like babies. Geese will chase you. Ducks will chase you. Peacocks will kick your butt. Horses will kick you and throw you on the ground. Roosters will fight you like a ninja. Mice are not afraid of you. Tarantulas are not afraid of you. Turkeys are loud and will chase you if you try to pull their feathers…. Cows do whatever the heck they want, no manners,no rules. And finally rattlesnakes don’t always rattle. The crafty ones sit back and wait for you to discover them and when you have they grin at you and laugh as you wet your pants.
- If you have never sheared anything, invite friends over and serve refreshments while they watch you get your behind handed to you by a wooly 4 legged creature. Watch out, they spit.
We are going to be taking a break soon from some of these animals, but never fear, there is always something happening out here. I am keeping my birds and my little horse BO. And maybe my Goats… I love my Goats.