This has been an especially weird week. I went into the doc on Tuesday because I haven’t been feeling really great… Long story short- she put me on some meds including some steroids which by the way did the trick I think. I feel so much better. In fact, I feel amazing. Like Xena the warrior princess but toned down to like Xena the mom princess… I feel like I can do anything. I am also very short fused and a little cranky…….
Have you ever had an angry, Baptist-girl fit? You know what I mean…. It’s when you have had enough of whatever ” it” may be and you lose it. Not like normal people, because that Baptist- be nice voice in the back of your head keeps telling you to keep control of your tongue, be kind and be patient and you must consult a committee before said fit can occur. And it argues with that voice that is hanging out on the tip of your tongue that tells you that there is something to be said about the ” it” that you have had enough of. So You abandon your reason and it begins. You Praise the Lord while you’re cussing and grouping together words like you are at the bad adjective convention. You say Bless your heart a lot. You ask the honest question” Have you lost your mind?” You sling together lines faster than an auctioneer at a 4-H county fair. And you apologize to The Lord while you’re doing it.
I think there is a proper way to do this awful thing. I have worked it out….
It is imperative that you rock back and forth on your feet, especially if you are short. It’s intimidating.
You threaten things that you cannot possibly ever entertain. For example, You might threaten to knock the cornbread hell out of someone or maybe you just offer to step on their face knowing full well that if you could get them on the floor to step on his/her face it would be because they were laughing so hard they had no control.
You say ” Lord please forgive me for what I am about to say”. Then you say it.
You call women ” Sister” and men ” Mister”
You Say ” Well aren’t you just a………”
You flail your arms around to extenuate and animate your thoughts, creating a 3 foot radius of safety around you.
You will break momentarily if your hair is out-of-place or if you spit on your own chin while you are raging.
You say ” Oh no no no no no… (While wagging your finger) and Lord Jesus and I am going to Pray for your soul” as if this will balance and counter the fact that you just told someone that they are as ugly as a post and worthless as tits on a boar hog.
Your head has to do this sway thang when you are making a point and end with an eye to eye-popping of the neck that means that you have come to the end of your rant.
Then you have to do the stomp and flip as you walk off…… and as you walk off…. you fix your lip stick, straighten your hair and put your shades back on your eyes, sliding them ever so cooly from your head.
I am almost there….. knocking at the door of this Baptist girl fit. I know there are better ways to handle my issues with those who crawl uninvited under my skin so I am trying to be, well, better than my history dictates I will be. I am in control so I have been trying to put my angry energy into something else… and I am hungry….
So I tried cooking…. I gained 3 pounds… So I thought…. I will spin. That is a relaxing activity… meditative, relaxing.creative, quiet, non-confrontational… 11 pounds later…… maybe some weaving…. The size of a small truck…. Then I thought well this isn’t working, maybe some nature… my friends…
Anyway, This morning I am standing in the bathroom, taking my drugs and I happen to read the side effects just for kicks and giggles and It dawns on me….
I have Roid Rage…. I’m like a dude. I want to kill things and beat someone up and dig ditches and crush beer cans on my forehead….. only I want to do it in 4 inch heals. I am dying here. Hot flashes, angry spurts of weaving energy, and I am so hungry. I have an urge to chew on my Chillow. I want a fist fight with Cowboy. Tomorrow I begin the wean off the Juice…. I hope I make it to Sunday meeting with out getting arrested or biting the head off of a chicken.