There are days, sometimes weeks, where I feel wounded. Maybe I am truly injured or maybe it’s just echos from the past but either way, I have to art through it or I just can’t get centered and focused on my world, my healing, my God.
I have had a few disappointments recently. Some things that really were not anyone’s fault, just things I needed to learn, things I needed to let go of. I’ve been pulled out of my comfort zone into the lives of people who are without any doubt… Magnificent in form and substance. But I am so insecure. I am hoping I haven’t totally weirded them out yet, at least until they get to know me well enough that my weird is normal enough.
Been a while since I hit the old art journal but it was time to work a few things out. That’s how I roll. Really, if I did not have my art to turn to I would probably be at corner somewhere……….
Singing with a guitar… ( I can’t play a guitar)
you thought I was going to say something else…. ?..
Today I traded trash for treasure in my art journal… Not as complicated as some I have done but it was just enough to pull out my feelings and give me a place to examine them. This entry was all about fear….. I like my comfort zone. A LOT. I Like being safe warm and happy. I like knowing what is going to happen tomorrow and I love not giving a rats rear end what others think about me. I can go home to my little ranchette in the desert and return to my country girl experiment and never look back. Any. time. I want.
I can sit safely in my little Sunday School A-18 class room and get fed and find people who love me and pray for me. I can call my BFF and hang out in her living room and she will give me all the hope I need. I can crawl into the arms of Cowboy and the world just goes away. I can sit at my mom’s kitchen table and get the best advice. These people keep me safe and give me strength to do what I do Sunday morning all week-long. I feel protected and accepted there….. And that is the provision…. I have them. I have every single thing I need and then some.
What sucks about it is that God has recently brought it to my attention that I use them as an excuse to stay sheltered and never walk out into the calling he has for me. I am afraid of being burned at the stake in the church parking lot, that I will loose them or that I will waste my time on people who will just never get it when I could be home with my kids or basking in the saftey of the familiar.
Again.. That is the provision. If I step out into obedience to do what I know God Has for me, and the walls fall down and the thunder rolls and the scary church politics and scary hat ladies tie me to the metaphoric stake to burn me for my history, I can still go home where it is safe. I can still sit in MY bffs living room. I can still go back to A-18, into the art room, back to Cowboy and I still keep my salvation and I still keep those who truly love me and I still have a story to tell. I really have little to fear. Eh’, I’ve already been through worse with less to go back to.
I made new friends recently (you know who you are) that have straight up called me out. I have old friends who straight up called me out. Why oh why couldn’t God have sent someone hideous and easy to run from. Why couldn’t you be the big hat ladies in the front of the church that I used to make fun of. How come you couldn’t have been a creepy old man or a snot nosed sister- better- than- you? Nope He sent me completely adorable people I can relate too that I cannot help but love.
Well Oh Crap.
Ok.. enough of this ……
Did I mention that I tried felting this week….. Wet felting with some merino wool and I ended up with a pretty successful project. I used some metallic threads that I had stashed away and some beading and then I made a project bag out of it.. Even lined it.
Time for dinner , Ya’ll