This guest blogger is one really dear to my heart. Ever meet someone or reconnect with someone and think ” Wow, This person gets me?”… I think she makes everyone feel that way; loved, cared for and hopeful! This woman inspires me every single day to never stop seeking.
Reinvention of ME
First- when I received the invitation to participate in the blog, I thought Sharon had lost her mind. But I could not stop thinking about it, I couldn’t sleep last night, every time I woke up I was thinking about “THE BLOG”, what could I possibly say-who would want to hear my ramblings. Sharon knew I was scared (how she knows I don’t know-I have not seen her in 2o+ years) but the next morning she sent a message saying it could be a blessing. She is right- it is a blessing to me, a healing blessing to me and if it has any impact on someone else that is fantastic. If it offends-that was never EVER my intention.
Second and foremost- I am not a MAN hater. I believe in love, commitment, relationships, and the institution of marriage. I long for it and cherish the relationships I have. I know the men in my life, as well as the relationship I have with God, my children, and my female friends had been the driving force in the reinvention of ME!
So here goes nothing or something (depending on how you look at it.)
October 1981- my dad passed away-BETRAYAL
November 1984- “circumstances” Marriage 3 days after I turned 16. And on this note my sister got married at 16 and she will be married 50 years next July.
June 1986- “Circumstances” gone. He left without warning in the morning light to move back home to Florida- he called and told me where he was and I moved there in August to try and work it out but came back to NM in December.
May 1988- Re-married # 2 and was blessed with two beautiful girls (the shining light of my life)
SKIP ahead 19 years-I was feeling inadequate, unloved, not valued in this relationship. I had moved from wife, lover and friend to maid, ranchhand and roommate. I am just as much to blame as him, if not more so. I had gotten wound up in the busyness of life and raising my children and proving a home, that I had forgotten to work on my relationship with my husband. We had grown apart- so far apart it could not be repaired.
Fall 2007- I approached my husband asked, begged, pleaded to go to counseling. His answer was “I don’t need counseling but you do.” Needless to say we did not seek counseling and the rift grew wider.
May 2008- Our 20 year Anniversary, I wanted to do something spectacular- I am gonna fix this relationship! So I farmed the kids out for sleepovers, wine, candle, roses, his favorite meal at home, special outfit, and special treats. All he could say “ How much did this cost?” The rift is so wide I cannot see him and I have no idea who I AM!
September 2009- My daughter turns 15. Where has the time gone? Her father is on his annual 3 week hunting trip. ( Its true- we had not vacationed together in years) We have a slumber birthday party-when we take everyone home and our driving to our house. My daughter says to me “Mom, you are so fun when dad is not around. HEARTBROKE
September 2009- I made up my mind I was leaving. No fight, no arguments, just those two life changing words. His response “You do not have the financial means to leave me” CHALLENGE
I moved into another house on the ranch and YES I did leave my girls with him (for awhile). I left with my clothes and a twin mattress, and slept on the floor.
I had a friend that had a house on a neighboring ranch. So I called and asked if I could move into that house. Her answer was- “You do not want to live there. It is in bad shape.” My answer was so am I. She agreed to let me come look at the house but would not commit. When I went to look it was in bad shape- the pack rats had taken up residence it was filthy and I had no clue as to where to even begin. I AM SURE SHE THOUGHT I WAS MAKING A HORRIBLE DECISION. See we
live in a very small community, and had for 11 years at that point. My friends and neighbors thought I had it perfect and were pretty sure I had lost my mind or was going through a mid-life crisis. At points and times I thought all of those thoughts about myself, also. She actually told me to go home and think about it and if I was 100% sure we agreed that I could move in rent free and work on the place.
So this NEW 4 year journey to me begins- I cleaned and I painted. I cried and I paced. I ranted and I cussed. I journaled and I sat in the sunshine. I read and I talked to myself! I learned new things about me and did things I thought I was never ever capable of.
It has not been an easy journey-the reinvention of me, but I would not change one thing about it. I have learned not to have regrets-it just clouds my future. I know I have made mistakes-(Lord, do I know)- we are all our own worst critics. I know I am not the woman, mother or friend that I want to be. Everyday, I work on it. I try to be positive, I try not to preach, I try to be understanding, I try to love, I try to laugh, I try to show gratitude, I try to be happy, I try to see those in my life as a blessing, I try to accept not expect. In doing so I have found the ME I like. I have always been the square peg, I accept that now. I would never want to be forced into the round hole. I have wonderful people in my life that accept ME as I am and this journey to reinventing ME!
Thank you, Sharon for being one of those.