Things I have learned so far from my country girl experiment.
1) Do not make friends with your food.
2) He who killed the defenseless cow (My Husband) will name every piece of machinery he owns after women. It’s silly to be jealous of a tractor. Even if she is named after a stripper. A Russian Stripper.
3) If he who killed the defenseless cow says he will be right in and he is messing with a tractor (named after a stripper) a Horse (named after an Indian) – he is lying. He won’t be coming in. For a long time. Maybe ever.
4) Rattlesnakes that appear randomly on your property are not his (he who killed the defenseless cow) fault and is not a legitimate reason for divorce. It is a legitimate reason however, to drag him back over every. Single. Promise. He ever made to you that is still left unredeemed. Profanity is also acceptable at this time.
5) If you tell your children not to touch the electric fence, it’s the first thing they do. And it’s funny.
6) Chicken Poo has a very distinctive smell. The shoes you wear to church should not be worn into the chicken pen because the said poo will not come out of them. Ever.
7) Things die out here, a lot. Dogs, Cattle, trees, Snakes, boyfriends…..
8) Anything that threatens me and or my off spring will be shot no less than 6 times. That is the amount of bullets I can get in my gun with the really long barrel at one time. I use rat shot and can hit anything. I never miss. If you are dating my daughter, refer to #7.
PS> My husband can hit a moving target in the dark.
9) It is possible to can botulism. I personally have done this.
10) If you talk it, you shovel it.
11) If someone says “well butter my butt and call me a biscuit”- this is not a sexual advance.
12) As long as there are chickens- left overs are guilt free. I made friends with the chickens. They will die of old age. And the ducks. And the goats. But not the cow.
13) Cancel your membership to PETA.
14) What to do in case of anything with more than 4 legs. At first sight you should do the following.
A) Using your favorite 4 letter word, repeat it no less than six times while running at a rate compatible to a deer in full stride in the nearest open directions.
B) After approx. 100 feet, stop and remember that you left your children with the said beast who are pissing it off with a stick.
C) Begin breathing as if you were in transition labor and run back to the area as you scissor in and grab the nearest garden tool.
D) As you circle the angry critter, speak to it as if it had a master’s degree in language arts. Explain to it that it needs to just stay still while you skillfully smash it with the garden tool.
F) Repeat A
15) Mud tires are fun. Mud puddles are fun. Loud music is fun.
16) The Coors light in the fridge is not for drinking- it is to tell if the temperature is right inside the refrigerator.
17) He who killed the defenseless cow named our dogs- Tan Ear and Stick Dog. We will not be having any more children.
18) 4 wheel drives is essential. Boots are essential. Coffee is essential as well as chocolate.
19) He who killed the defenseless cow builds everything himself. Fixes everything himself. Calling a repair man for anything is an act of treason.
20) Stock up. It’s a long way to town. It is however ideal if you are in a fight with your spouse, by the time you get to town, you’re sorry.
21) Stop for: Sunrises, sunsets, new spring life, the beauty of that horse, play, mom’s cherry pie and enchiladas, laughter, tears, creativity, love, listening, prayer, hope, and always stop for the phone call from your sister or the text from your brother. Have coffee with your mom.
22) Lighten up already.
23) No Dieting on Sunday. That’s for celebration.
24) Defenseless cow is good. With A-1 and potatoes.
25) Ree Drummond can cook.