My Husband and I bought an RV. It was Christened the USS Enterprise and on the back it said “to boldly go”. So we went and bought it. It was a sign you know, it was Star Trek. It wasn’t new but it was really well taken care of. comfortable bed, microwave, two 6 ton tv’s complete with a VCR and tapes and enough room to sleep a bunch of people.
I didn’t think I was going to like it much, but I did. A lot. Once I got in there and started to fix her up, I was ready to sell the house and send the kids to boarding school. I began to think of all the memories and magical trips we would take. I filled up the refrigerator with food and drink, packed extra underwear and down the road we went with a 12-year-old and dreams. Big Dreams.
It all started off well enough. I was giddy about the leg room and the phone charger and the desk like dash-board that would hold my library of books. It was nice to be able to tinkle without pulling over every 20 minutes which has been my new hobby since menopause started. The hot flash window was amazing and the idea that I could go to bed any time I wanted was amazing.
Our first official stop was at Walmart. I thought we had arrived at our destination but it was just for supplies. I thought thats what RV’s did… but apparently its just a stop-over. Let me explain something about Cowboy. He plans nothing. He flies by the seat of his pants. He goes where the wind takes him. I am not made to operate that way. I want a plan, an ETA, a destination and I want it a week or two in advance. But alas, I was not in charge so we stopped at Walmart and it made us later than we wanted to be. Cowboy wanted to be there before dark, where ever there was.
By the time we arrived near the secret destination it was dark. I put on my glasses, I looked around and saw the sign that said” all public areas closed due to fire damage” Ok. I think we will just find another place, But Cowboy drove right through that do not go here invisible barrier.
” What are you doing? ” I asked. ” didn’t you see the sign?”
“Dont worry about that sign” he answers” I am going way passed the public lands”
We are in the forest, on a mountain and the pavement just turned to dirt and ole Captain Kirk just drove on like he was in a four-wheel drive pick up.
I need you to use your imagination now and envision a giant yellow diamond… about 3 feet by 3 feet. Yellow orange… like the color of sunshine with reflectors that glowed in the headlights of the enterprise. Now imagine on this sign a stick figure person running for its life because a bolder and a falling tree are about to end his little stick figure existence. That was the next sign on that dirt road that had become more of a washboard than a road.
Did you see that sign, I asked
Yes he angrily replied
Now I am bouncing all over this rolling hotel grasping desperately for a seatbelt and a bible , while holding my chest to keep it from bouncing out of my clothes and thinking to myself ” this is how I am going to die”
He keeps driving.
I am realizing that there is no phone signal and no one knows where we are and that it would take weeks to find our bodies because no one else would go past the stinking signs that clearly informed us that we were going to die if we kept going.
Now there are tears rolling down my cheeks and I am about to abandon ship when a better idea comes into my head. A more natural one that is just more me… and right about the time that the pot holes turned into pits that led straight to hellfire and I decide on mutiny. Something came over me and I threw off that seatbelt and began a rant from the depths of my fear so heart wrenching that he did not even try to argue with me( or at least I did not hear him.) After voicing my objections and fear of impending doom I ran to the back of the Rv and threw Myself on the bed, covered my ears with my hands and prayed” Lord please just let it be quick. ” My body was flying up and bouncing off the mattress with every rock and hole he drove through. I struggled to get in between the covers hoping that would hold me down and sandwiched my head between two pillows. I can hear him yelling from the drivers seat ” WOO HOO baby, I promised you an adventure”.
All I could think was this is just like when I bought him the Elk Call. It was too much for him. He was loosing his mind and laughing like a crazed old inn keeper who was going to axe through a door at any moment and scream “Heres Johnny”. For the love of all things purple, I just wanted it to stop. So I pretended like I was asleep and Somewhere in there I fell asleep or passed out, I am not sure which. I was slacking on my mom duties during this ride from hell probably because of the trama… but I have no idea where my 12 year old was all this time, she was oddly quiet. Shock probably. Hopefully therapy will help me recall the things I am sure I blocked out.
The next thing I remember is cowboy standing at the end of the bed grinning like a Cheshire cat and he says ” do you see my Smile”
I said “yes do you see mine?”
He didn’t answer, just walked away. I had decided to just stay there in that bed until we were safely home again.
But the next morning, I woke up next to a stream, under pine trees with the smell of coffee coming from the front of the RV. My sweet daughter frying bacon and my husband putting just the right amount of creme’ brulee creamer in my cup. He had turned it around and gone to an actual RV park with picnic tables and a fire pit and Wifi. It was as if he knew that pinterest would make up for nearly killing me. That’s why we are still together. He gets me. And he’s willing to pay for all the therapy I need.